Grieving During the Holiday Season
The holiday season, with its expectations of merriment, joy, and connection, can feel especially difficult to face when you are grieving.
Do you attend the many holiday parties?
What do you do if you start crying or want to go home?
Can you just skip this season all together?
Or worse, what if you actually have fun or laugh? Is that ok when someone important to you just died?
Grief carries a host of feelings that can overwhelm you in the best of times. Physical sensations such as a hollowness in your stomach, tightness in your chest or throat, weakness, fatigue, and hypersensitivity to noise are common when grieving. Cognitive symptoms such as disbelief, confusion, preoccupation, and difficulty making decisions may occur. Many also report a vast range of feelings including yearning, sadness, shock, anxiety, despair, guilt, numbness, loneliness, as well as gratitude and relief. In addition, you may have difficulty sleeping, experience appetite changes, and cry often.
How do you get through the holiday season while holding your grief and all the symptoms that come along with it?
Here are some tips to keep in mind this season.
Feel What You Feel. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without judgment. It can be helpful to find ways to express yourself. Crying, talking, writing, creating, movement, and music are some things to try.
Set Realistic Expectations. Be honest with yourself about your feelings and potential limits. Remember that grieving can impact your energy level as well as bring up uncomfortable emotions. You may find that you cannot or do not want to engage in all that you have done in past holiday seasons. That is ok and understandable.
Make a Plan. The holidays bring expectations and traditions which you may find triggering. Make a plan about what you can and cannot do this season. Give yourself permission to follow, adapt, or skip activities that feel too difficult. Communicate the plan with your family and friends so that they can support your self-care efforts.
If you are unsure whether something may be good for you, you can try it and have a plan to leave early or connect with a support person if needed.
Holiday traditions and rituals can be especially challenging. The absence of who you lost is often felt intensely during these times. Think about how you want to manage these rituals and traditions before they happen. You can even create new rituals to honor your loss.
Practice Compassion. Having compassion for yourself while you grieve may be the most important self-care strategy you can implement. What does it mean to have self-compassion? It is really the practice of giving yourself the same understanding, empathy, and forgiveness that you would a best friend. Remind yourself that grieving is one of the most painful things humans go through in life and in light of that, you are doing the best you can. Give yourself permission to rest and allow expectations (that you and others have of you) to be flexible. Avoid telling yourself what you should or shouldn’t do as this is just a form of judgment. Ask yourself instead if something might be helpful to you. Seek out supporters that show you compassion as well.
Honor Your Loss. Discovering ways to connect to and honor your loss may be helpful. Some find it beneficial to talk about them or tell stories. You may want to create a ritual of remembrance. This can involve a favorite place you go to, a song you listen to, a special food that reminds you of them, or anything that helps you feel connected and brings you comfort. Don’t force yourself to do these acts of remembrance if you are not up to it. Have compassion for yourself if it doesn’t feel right.
Seek Out Support. Grief can feel lonely. Seeking out support during this time can help. Find those who will let you feel what you feel without judgment or trying to “fix” it. Tell your supporters what you need and let them know what is helpful and what is unhelpful. Lean on those who show you empathy, understanding, and compassion. If you are struggling to find supporters who can do this for you, join a bereavement group or connect with a grief trained therapist.
Illumine Counseling offers individual, family, and group therapy to those impacted by illness or coping with grief and significant life changes. Contact us at 646-470-1231 or email us info@illuminecounseling.com for support.